A short story with feedback. The student's name is being held.

I peered out the window and saw that the whole neighborhood was covered in snow. Snow flakes fell slowly from the sky. (If it’s description with which you preferred opening your story, then add a bit of more to depict snowy weather condition to be able to sound mature in writing.) I had a severe headache so I took some painkillers to ease the pain. I went (Use descriptive verb here. The one you applied is talkie verb) to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate when I got a call from my girlfriend (avoid mention of girlfriend since it’s odd in our society and religion). As I was about to pick it up, it ended. I tried to call her but her phone was off which was odd.

I took my gun with my badge and headed towards the car but unfortunately the car’s battery had died. (Taking gun is too abrupt here. You need to develop solid background first as what was that something that really made you feel so very aggressive. Justify it to make it sound maturer.) My mind was ticking like a time bomb (Why? How did you sense and decide that the girl was essentially in trouble? We need enough evidence first) and no painkillers could stop it. Mona’s place was a block away from mine. I had no choice but to walk. The snow was very thick and it was difficult for me to walk. I was already struggling through the snow when it started to snow very heavily (Avoid repeating the same word, that too in such a narrow space. Show variety in vocabulary.) It seemed as if a blizzard was about to come. I was almost there when I saw a man walk into mona’s house (‘Mona’ is proper noun. Write it with capital initial: ‘M’). I took my gun out and started to walk faster because I couldn’t run in this blanket of snow. I finally reached her house.

As I entered her house I shouted “Mona!” and that’s when something struck my head. It was mona (again with capital ‘M’). She struck my head with the baseball bat (why?) and that’s when that man came (Use descriptive verb here to show the manner of his coming). The man pointed the gun at me. He cocked the gun and said “Goodbye john” (Use capital ‘J’). Mona kissed me one last time and that’s when I jumped out of the window and disappeared in the snow. The snow was merciful to hide me. (Why did the man point that gun at you? Who was he? What was the situation like? Why was Mona alone at home? We don’t find a single word about her family? Justify her being alone there. The ending leaves many questions unanswered. Provide us an improved version of the story, and of course with a title as well.)