Responding to a question on letter writing. See the response. First original draft, and then improved version of the same draft.

Letter to a friend inviting him to be in your team to represent your school in a general knowledge competition

Points to be incorporated:

·       When and where the competition will take place

·       A request to your friend to join you in the team

·       Why you think your friend is the best choice for your team

·       What preparation you should both do

·      Details of the prizes in the competition

Original Draft by the student (See improved version of this draft below)

Dear Sohaib,

I hope you’re doing good with God’s Mercy upon you. I’m doing good as well. There is a proposal I’d like to discuss with you. (You have read first paragraph; now first see the improved version below.)

I have recently been informed that I have been chosen for a general knowledge competition and I am representing our school. The competition is going to be held in Pak-China Friendship Center on Wednesday, 12^th of February, 2015 at 11 am sharp. There is an advantage they have given to every representative of the competition and that is that they can invite any one of their friends to join their team. You were the first choice that popped in my head. (You have read 2nd paragraph; now first see the improved version below.)

I have known you for 12 years and you’re of my oldest and best friends that have supported me in my every problem so I believe that you’ll stand shoulder-to-shoulder with me in this contest. Also you are very talented and knowledgeable so I think you’ll be a perfect choice for my requirement. (You have read 3rd paragraph; now first see the improved version below.)

I think for our preparation we can consult our school library. According to my knowledge, they have a wide range of very educational and instructive books that can help us in it. Apart from that I have some old books through which my cousin used to prepare for his CSS exam. I mean it can help us a lot too. I hope you also have some amazing ideas for our preparation. Do let me know if you do. (You have read 4^th paragraph; now first see the improved version below.)

Okay. Now for the best part of this competition; The Prizes. The winners will get $10,000 with Visa to spend their holidays in LA with full hotel package. They will get clearance to visit NASA as well. The prizes sound goo to me so I think you should join me in this. We have a good chance in winning this. (You have read 5^th paragraph; now first see the improved version below.)

I’m expecting your reply and I hope that you’ll take my invitation in your consideration. Thanks. (You have read concluding lines here; now first see the improved version below.)

Yours with love,

Shaaref Munir. (No full stop here)

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Improved Version of the Letter

Dear Sohaib,

I hope you’re doing well. Life is treating me fantastically well here. But this letter is not all about exchanging hello, hi; there is something exciting I’d like to share with you.

I really feel proud that I have been selected for a general knowledge competition to represent our school. The competition is going to be held in Pak-China Friendship Center on Wednesday, 12^th of February, 2015 at 11 am sharp. What’s more exciting is there is a wonderful facility they have offered to every contestant that they can make team with any one of their friends, meaning that one can participate either singularly or by making pair with a person of one’s own choice. Unsurprisingly, you were the first choice that popped in my head.

I have known you for 12 years and am fully aware and convinced of your strengths. Not only you’re my oldest and the most trustworthy fellow, but also you are the one who I find the most talented and knowledgeable in the realm of all my friends and acquaintances – no exaggeration here! So I am damn sure you’ll make a perfect choice for this battlefield and will prove yourself to be a knight.

As for preparation, we can consult our school library. To the best of my observation, our school library has a wide range of books on multiple subjects. Besides, it’s equipped with internet connected latest computers that can help access information from every nook and corner of the world within seconds. Apart from all this, I also have my own treasure of some old books. The significance of these books can well be understood by the fact that they were the actual source using which my cousin, Qasim, passed his CSS exam in flying colours. And last but not the least is your own ‘devil’s workshop’!

Now to stir up your feelings further, let me share with you the most exciting part of the story: the prizes offered. The winning team will be getting $3,000 coupled with a week long fully sponsored stay in Singapore. Isn’t it enticing enough? Second prize? To be honest, I have no interest in the second prize, since I have set my eyes solely upon the first one. I’m damn sure that with someone like you on my side, no one else can even dare think of grabbing the first prize. What’s left now? --- nothing else except for your willingness.

If all this sounds appealing to you, write me back quickly so that we could chalk out a whole plan towards how to go about our preparation.

Awaiting a positive response

Yours with love

Shaaref Munir