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Feedback on Creative Writing

·       Do you know in how many ways can we start an essay/story?

·       Use STOAP (speech/dialogue; theme; opinion; action; proverb) to begin your story if you feel confused again.

·        Expert use of connectors needed as your text seems replete with and and and and…..

·        Put in more effort into understanding how you can split your text into paragraphs.

·        Submit your next essay in soft copy form. It will save us time.

·       Always remember to separate adjectives using a comma:

1.    A sturdy, angry looking, aged man came out of the car with an old revolver in his right hand….

·       Use comma after introductory words:

·         After some time, we decided to move to the nearest mall.

·         The next day, we preferred to stay at home.

·       On our way back home, we came across….

·       Quite surprisingly, Sami was not there.

·       At last, a car appeared from behind a mountain.

·        It’s good to see you’re endeavoring hard to incorporate vocabulary words; however, thrusting too many uncommonly used words would make your writings sound verbose.

Reading onwards with a vigilant eye is what the solution is. This will enable you to apply vocabulary words in a way that they all sound appealing.

·        You and some other boys are using dashes or commas to end their sentences, mind you.

The solution is practicing a few exercises focused on correct use of punctuation marks.

When do we use a semi colon (;)?

Example-1

Sami came out of his bed; he opened the door soundlessly; peered into the dark and then --- shrieked at the top of his lungs. There stood in front of him a humongous dinosaur looking happy to find his dinner that easily. 

Example-2 

The following faculty participated in the seminar:

Professor John, Oxford University; Professor Steve, Harvard University; Professor Michael, New Orleans University; Professor Sandeel, Punjab University; Professor Alexander, Cambridge University.   

• As for the content of your story, I've already given enough feedback on that in the class.

I am waiting for further summaries of the remaining chapters from that novel.

‘The Dino Surprise’ has really come as a BIG SURPRISE. By the by, I had least expected someone would go for this uphill task, that is, giving topic number 04 a try (from that list of 30 topics showing variety of prompts we’ve already published here). Not only Muhammad Abubakar Mian turned out to be the one who took the lead, but also (see for yourself) he has fully proven his imaginative ability. A touch of humour is already a regular characteristic of Abubakar’s writings. I’m sure you’ll enjoy this stuff.

The Dino Surprise

My alarm clock sprang to life exactly at 9:30 A.M. The previous night’s rest seemed to have done little for my body, as I was still feeling very lethargic. Shaking off the sleepiness, I crept out of my bed and headed for the bathroom.

I had gone just a few steps into the hallway, however, when a thunderous roar threw me against the wall. The entire house began to shake violently. Human instinct took over, and I braced myself for an earthquake. But that earthquake never came. The shaking subsided as quickly as it had started, and soon enough all was back to normal. With my heart still palpitating to a furious rhythm, I made my way to the living room. Anxiously walking past the fireplace, I peered out the window.

It was at this very moment that I had the surprise of my life.

Standing just a few feet from my window, there stood a dinosaur. I was flabbergasted. It took me quite a few seconds to get back to my senses. Taking note of its stout tail and extensive neck, coupled with the distinct shape of its head, I immediately recognized it as being a Brachiosaurus. Perplexed by the enormous beast and what it was doing in my time period, I knew I had to get a closer look. Without a second thought, I slipped into my sneakers and ran for the backyard.

The Brachiosaurus had a mesmerizing gray coat, something that I could not appreciate from behind a glass pane. Standing just a few feet away from it now, however, I began to question my lack of better judgment. Is it really safe to be standing next to an animal that weighed several tons more than me, and was considerably larger? The Brachiosaurus seemed to be mostly calm; it stood relatively still while scanning the horizon. But what was it looking for? Suddenly, the Brachiosaurus let out a piercing cry and ran right through the picket fence.

The Earth trembled under the beast’s heft, and tossed me to the ground. Laying on my back, I caught sight of a Tyrannosaurus Rex lurching towards me from across the street. I attempted to scramble back up onto my feet with as much vigor as my body could muster, but all efforts proved to be futile. The ground was now shaking with so much force that I couldn’t even maintain balance. Fear reached up from the darkest depths of my heart and began to cloud my mind. With no escape in sight, I had lost all hope. As the T-Rex grew closer and closer, my body folded into the fetal position and I closed my eyes.

When I opened them again, however, I did not find myself in the repulsive abyss that is the stomach of a T-Rex. In fact, I found myself in a much pleasanter place: home. Wrapped comfortably under layers of blankets, I was relieved to be far away from that nightmare. Who needs dinosaurs, anyway? Giraffes are so much cooler.

Muhammad Abubakar Mian

Class O’ Level-II

A Poem on “Peace” - First Position for Muhammed Ahmed Student of 8th Grade (Iqbal) at PakTurk Schools Islamabad Branch

A Poem on “Peace” - First Position for Muhammed Ahmed

Student of 8th Grade (Iqbal) 

 PakTurk Schools Islamabad Branch

1)

Long it has been,

For two friends to have never met,

But now they do,

And one is filled with the other,

I always wonder,

If this was another wonder,

Yes it is,

for Pakistan is finally filled with peace,

And now it's one of its piece

2)

Let the winds flow free,

The winds of peace,

Let them flow through Pakistan,

They bring promises,

Promises of prosperity,

Promises of achievement,

For so long,

I longed for them,

Now I feel them,

Thank You God,

For you let them blow free!                        

                

3)

Shattered along Pakistan,

Are the four carriers of peace,

Well connected they are,

Big they are,

I always wonder,

Why it's a wonder,

How Pakistan made a blunder,

Let's forget the past,

Let's start a new page,

And renew the strength that holds these pieces

Composed by:

Muhammed Ahmed

Student of 8th Grade (Iqbal)

A poem on "Peace" - Second Position for Usama Gohar Dahri of Class AS Level at PakTurk International Schools

Peace has been preached by many a great man;

Oft’ we hear words of peace now and then;

We pay a deaf ear to all that we hear;

And finally, look toward life with disdain.

Had only we spread the power of peace,

Our sorrows and worries would none but cease;

Our world would be Eden itself, my friend,

Our life would pass as a gentle breeze!

It’s never too late to start a good deed;

Determination and hard work is all we would need;

We can change the world if we strive for it,

Starting with the abolition of every cast and creed.

Abolition these wars, I say, and let us live as one!

We must return to Him alone, when all is said and done;

Then why shed on pointless quarrels, fighting over material things?

We can change the world with peace, and destroy every knife and gun.

By Usama Gohar Dahri of As Class at PakTurk, Islamabad

Our Online Learning Resources for O' Level Students & Teachers

The following 08 websites stand in our online learning resources for O' Level Students & Teachers (For the subject of English) as per recommendation by The Cambridge University. (humayun)

1. http://www.edufind.com/
2. http://www.onestopenglish.com/
3. http://www.dawn.com/
4. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
5. www.timesofindia.indiatimes.com
6. http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/hypergrammar
7. http://www.geocities.com/fifth_grade_tpes/longfellow.html
8. http://www.spelling.hemscott.net/

Creative Writing Prompts for Students

This long list of 30 topics comes from http://www.superteacherworksheets.com/. Keep picking them up as per time and mood, and sharing your essays, stories by droping them into my mail box. I'll go on uploading them here. Happy writing!

1. Imagine you had a hundred dollars, but you couldn't keep it. You had to give it away to a person or charity. Who would you give it to? What would you want them to do with it?

2. Describe one time when you were brave.

3. If you could cook any meal for your family, what would you cook? Describe the meal and tell how you would make it.

4. Imagine you woke up and saw a dinosaur in your backyard. Write a story telling what you see and do.

5. Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.

6. Describe your favorite character from a book, a movie, or television.

7. Write a story titled, "My Journey on a Pirate Ship." You and your friends can star in the story.

8. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? Describe the pet and how you would take care of it.

9. Do you have any brothers or sisters? If you do, tell what they're like. If not, tell whether or not you would like to have a brother or sister.

10. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be? What would you talk about with this person?

11. Write a story titled, "The Bat Who Couldn't Fly."

12. Imagine you were a wonderful painter and your parents would let you paint anything you wanted on your bedroom walls. What would you paint? Use lots of details to describe your artwork.

13. Describe the oldest person you know.

14. Describe the youngest person you know.

15. Do you think a monkey would make a good pet? Explain why or why not.

16. How old were you four years ago? Describe some things you can do now that you could not do then.

17. Imagine you worked at a football stadium. What would your job be? (examples: quarterback, cheerleader, coach, referee, ticket seller) Describe what you would do while you were on the job.

18. What do you like best about your home?

19. If you could be on any game show, what would it be? Describe what happens when you're on the show.

20. Describe your favorite season (fall, spring, summer, or winter). Tell what kinds of things you like to do during that season.

21. Write a story titled, "The Baby Dragon."

22. Describe several ways a person your age can earn money.

23. Would you want to visit the moon? Why or why not?

24. If you could spend an afternoon with one member of your extended family, who would it be? Tell why you chose this person and tell what you do together.

25. Which superpower would you most like to have-- invisibility, super strength, or the ability to fly? Describe what kids of things you would do with your powers.

26. Think of a time when you've won something. Tell what you won and how you won it.

27. Invent a new kind of sandwich. Describe what is on it and how you would make it.

28. Describe one thing you're really good at.

29. Imagine you were twenty feet tall. Describe what life would be like.

30. If you were a doctor, what kind of doctor would you be? (examples: children's doctor, veterinarian, eye doctor, dentist) Tell what your job would be like.

A story with a different setting this time. ‘Setting’ means the time, place, and circumstances in which a narrative takes place. It’s my personal experience that in some stories the setting is so very significant, prominent, commanding and controlling that it becomes a character itself. Sohaib Zahir (of class O’ Level-III) aspires to take you to Brazil and watch and smell and taste the kind of milieu it offers once there. Whereas the setting is a critical component for supporting a story, coming up with a successful description of the setting is pretty difficult a job. How much Sohaib has succeeded in his attempt is yet to be decided. However, let me drop here a five word comment: ‘The story does have appeal.’ Do give it a read.

Despite my devoted care I couldn’t save that boy from dying.

 “One grand is the final I can give you” I bargained.

“Agreed” said Belmiro.

“Ok, we depart tomorrow around six in the morning” I added.

I was in Sau Paulo, Brazil, working on my final assignment of PhD in Ecological studies. Two days earlier I had flown from Kansas to this city to rub my shoulders with some of the ecologists in order for giving finishing touches to my assignment before its final submission.

It was five in the morning when the alarm I had set shrieked in my ear at my hotel room. I jumped out of my bed and made for the bathroom for a quick shower.

Having had my breakfast, I quickly buzzed at Belmiro’s cell phone to inquire whether he was ready or not. Then around 6:30, we departed from our hotel to the port. The air was full of pollution unlike in Kansas, boats rocked tied with huge rocks. While I was looking around and comparing this atmosphere with that of my home town, Belmiro called me out enthusiastically asking me to come and have a look at the vessel by which we were to go for a small expedition.

It was seven O’ clock when we left the city in our vessel loaded with gas tanks and food stock enough for us for two to three days. Belmiro apprised me on the unpredictable weather of Brazil. We chatted for a while about his whole life spent on these rivers. Then I moved to the hammock to busy myself with a book. As I was about to finish only the second page, I glanced at the dancing clouds up in the sky. In 10 minutes or so, rain drops started pelting the deck hard.

Belmiro quickly switched the engine off and rushed into the hammock. I was horror-struck by thoughts of getting trapped here at river accompanied by jungles full of dangerous animals. But on the other hand, Belmiro looked as tranquil as a saint in paradise.

Rain stopped after half an hour allowing us to proceed with our venture. Belmiro was tackling with the river turns and currents as if he was the one who had designed the river. After two hours of continuous voyage, the vessel came to a halt. I looked up quizzically at Belmiro’s face that had a broad smile on it. He winked at me enjoyably and uttered:

“A short break for lunch!”

We resumed our voyage shortly after we were finished with our lunch. This time, it turned out to be a long drive of about four hours. Then at around six in the evening, we dismounted from our boat and stepped onto the land.

“Where do we stand now and how far is the Helumba Forest?”

I inquired.

“At four hour distance, but we can’t proceed any further now. We’ll start again tomorrow early morning” replied Belmiro in a faint tone. I thought of insisting on our carrying on during the night but an afterthought encouraged me to trust my young but experienced guide.

We stopped our boat by a small rock where Belmiro tied it with a tree. Belmiro then took out two camps from the vessel and started fixing them while I busied myself in preparing the dinner. In about an hour time, Belmiro had set two camps and a small fire as well --- quite close to the river so that we could keep an eye on our boat.

Since it was rainy season, big and small battalions of musical mosquitoes were abundantly visible all around. Belmiro warned me against dengue that was common in that season. Feeling scared, I quickly took out my mosquito repellant and started applying it all over my body. Belmiro followed me with an equal seriousness.

After having dinner, we yakked for a while then we both said goodbye to each other and went into our camps. Merely half an hour had passed when I heard something. The sound seemed to have arisen from Belmiro’s camp. I was busy guessing when Belmiro yelped again and rather piercingly. Frantic, I bolted towards his camp.

With his eyes tightly shut, he was holding his left thigh with both hands. I noticed a small bleeding around that spot. I quickly bent over him to see what had happened.

“It’s a snake bite” he could hardly utter the words. I was obvious the pain was excruciating.

I tore off a hem from my shirt, tied his thigh with it from both sides, and pressed his thigh to squeeze venom out of it while he nickered out of ache. I tried whatever I knew and I could to stop the venom from going up in the body or going down towards legs. All my efforts, however, ended in a smoke. Nothing went in my favor. Despite my devoted care, I couldn’t save that young Belmiro from dying.

And here was an American named Stephan from Kansas, lost in the perilous jungles of Brazil, and left at the mercy of treacherous reptiles, snakes, bears, and big cats. Stephan was now left to the nature’s decision. Nature's cruel court would decide now whether to spare him or engulf him down into her corpulent belly --- full of corpses.

Sohaib Zahir

O’Level Final Year

PakTurk Schools

Islamabad Branch

Sohaib Zahir

What left me in awe, and happens to be the most impressive feature of Ahmed’s present story, is its ‘set up’. Only a boy with wide range of reading can rise to this height of imagination. Next, he’s successfully kept his reader’s interest alive till the last word he dropped here. Hence, the story is brimming with suspense. A big Kudos for a job well done! (Humayun)

Despite my devoted care, I couldn’t save that boy from dying.

It was the year 1942.

World War II was at its height. My country Poland came under Nazi control. Being a fast Roman Catholic, I was exempted from the inhumane atrocities being perpetrated against the Jews. But the sights and memories of them still haunt my mind. This memory, like many others, has stuck to my mind ever since. Even today, it makes my heart bleed. And it bleeds profusely, because despite my devoted care, I couldn’t save that boy from dying.

The nazis had arrived with their hideous tanks. They destroyed our beloved city, Warsaw. Any building suspected to belong to Jews was immediately pulled down. A huge ghetto was built in the heart of Warsaw where once our lively marketplace used to exist. Jews from far and wide were dragged out of their houses, women and children alike, and put in the dirty ghetto, without proper clothing, food and shelter. From there they would be transported in bulk to extermination camps like Treblinka and Auschwitz, where they would be executed using the latest mass-murder methods.

May those Nazis burn in hell forever. And may my dead Jewish brothers and sisters rest in peace.

One night, I was about to eat my porridge when I heard a child’s painful moaning outside. I quickly wore my jacket and rushed to the nearby garbage dump where I perceived the sound to be coming from. In the dim light that my lamp emanated, I saw a child; perhaps 10 years old, lying among the waste, which now mainly came from the Nazis. I lifted him up, wrapped him in my jacket, took him inside my house and laid him on the hearth where I had a crackling fire.

When I looked at his body, for once I turned away with shock. He had been shot three times; once on his shoulder and twice on his legs. Blood was oozing out from his wounds. I cursed the Nazis for the millionth time in the day, and at once became resolute to save the poor boy.

I anesthetized him, plucked out the bullets and applied disinfectant on his wounds to prevent infection. Already there was pus in them, so I was afraid it might get worse. In the little Hebrew I knew, I began chatting with him. He certainly was a smart kid as I sensed from his talk. His name was Shalom. His parents were gold traders, but were now in the ghetto. I comforted him saying that he would soon meet them. Later, I bathed him with hot water, dressed him in my nephew’s clothes after which he fell asleep.

In the days that followed, we developed a strong bond. I liked him due to his cuteness, wit and thankfulness. I especially remember him thanking me repeatedly and his eyes reflecting gratitude. We would talk for hours like small kids. I thought of him as my own son. I knew that if Nazis knew about this, they would shoot me for hiding a Jew. So I kept him concealed at all times.

However, his wounds got worse than ever. I could only pray for him, because I couldn’t consult a doctor fearing leak of news. One day, he asked for strawberries. Seeing that utterly innocent but weak face, I set out right away determined to get them. They were unavailable mostly due to food rationing by Nazis. I did get them finally, though at a high cost. Feeling immensely jubilant, I returned home.

“Shalom! Here you are! Farm fresh juicy strawberries!” I shouted out with joy.

Soon, I saw his expressionless face. Shocked, instinctively, I checked his pulse on the wrist, but then dropped it instantly. Tears swelled up in my eyes.

He was dead.

Ahmed Ali
O' Level Final Year
PakTurk Schools
Chak Shahzad
Islamabad